FAQ for Those Who Have Been Abused
Why doesn’t a victim of abuse just leave the relationship?
There are many factors that affect someone who is abused in a relationship. Many times, people who abuse their partner give empty promises to change, and the people they abuse want to believe they are going to make those changes. Moreover, people who abuse their partner are often financially controlling and those who they abuse do not have the resources to leave. When children are involved in the relationship, people who have been abused may not feel safe leaving them with the person who has abused them and might not be able to leave the relationship. Occasionally, someone who abuses their partner will threaten to kill their partner if they leave.
A common suggestion given to those who ask this question is to think about a time in your life where you were very vulnerable and consider if you could have made a life-changing decision at that time. For people who have been abused, leaving the person who has abused them is a huge life-changing decision they face during a time when that person is making them vulnerable.
Aren’t victims just as responsible for the abuse?
At Emerge, we believe that the person who commits the abuse, be it verbal, emotional, or physical, is responsible for all of the abusive behavior. People who abuse their partner may tell their partner that the partner has made them act abusively, but this is how they avoid responsibility and try to shift blame onto others.
What if the victim uses alcohol or drugs?
If someone who has been abused uses alcohol or drugs, the person who abuses them may use that fact to control them by either playing on their guilt or discouraging them from getting treatment. People who abuse their partner can have more power if they prevent their partners from getting help.
What if the victim attacks first or starts something?
It’s important not to focus on each individual act of violence and abuse but to look at the larger picture. Look at the overall history of the relationship to see who has power over the other person. The person who initiates a specific act of violence does not always have control or dominance in the relationship. Violence may occur in self-defense, even though it first appears that the person abused is not in immediate danger.
People who abuse their partner may also encourage the person they abuse to use physical violence as a manipulative tool, so that the abusive person can blame their future abuse on this incident. People who abuse their partner may use a violent response from the partner to justify retaliatory abuse which is severe and ongoing, and which in no way qualifies as self-defense. People who abuse their partner set the emotional tone of the relationship and control the topic of discussions. They may also repeatedly assert their will over their partners, without regard to the negative impact. They often reflect a lack of empathy for their partner, and may feel entitled to get their way most of the time.